ups and downs

by amyesacove

12 days away from our shoot start and locations are coming together….but not quite there. This has been probably the most challenging part of the process for me. Since “North Blvd” is based on such a personal true journey, the locations in which everything took place are so vivid in my mind. I am actually delighted with all of the locations that are currently nailed down. Who knew you could make so much out of so little and on such a low budget? But the locations that are off are REALLY off. I hate to shoot down someone’s hard work. And going back to the drawing board is not a fun thing to do. Sigh.

Funny, my dermatologist connected me with someone who has produced many films….ya know, as a mentor for me. Very cool guy. And we had a nice phone conversation. He confirmed that a few of my fears were valid, shot down some of the myths that I was starting to believe…for example:  “Don’t expect to make your money back on your first film”. I was told this years ago by a turd who has been on the fringes of the film industry for 20 years. And quietly, I would scratch my head in disbelief when this former friend would say this. “Not MY film,” I thought. Surely that other guy just doesn’t see what I see. Surely he’s just speaking from his own limited experience. And sure enough, my new mentor confirmed that indeed if you make the film you truly want to make and you come from your heart and make it for relatively cheap (as we are doing) then there is every chance in the world you will make your money back and then some! 

We had two days of casting this week thus far. I was riveted with the talent that came through the door. So flattered that people had read about and researched my little story. The little story that has lived inside of me for so long and shared with a few hundred people in various theaters, is now going to be reaching thousands more, perhaps millions more. That is my hope. And these actors are coming in to read these parts and they are so amazing! I have my eye on a few but one in particular for the part of the birth mother, Linda. There’s something that happens in a room when an actor comes in and HAS the part. They give a great read of course, but the essence of the person is already so effortlessly there. Casting is a trip…and great fun.

Its funny, I was explaining to the casting director after our Tuesday session that the 13 years leading up to the making of this film has truly been my church. It has been a spiritual journey for me. Not having grown up with religion at all (even though my adoptive family was Jewish, they simply didn’t practice or live the religion) I have had to stumble through this life and teach myself how to have faith. Since the very beginning- with the experience of finding my birth parents and the journey toward making this film- I have learned the divine process. 

I have learned how to envision something with such clarity and believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that it would come to be. I have learned to be reverent even of the hiccups and say to myself in a moment of deep stress or doubt or depression, “Well I must need this”. I have come to understand that asking for help is not weak…it is actually a sign of strength. I am learning that all of those joyful squirms in my bed at night when I would envision this film, those bursts of elation and squeals of delight have added up to something. They have fueled and ignited this film into reality. And here we are. Even in this mid week slump as I sit here feeling a little listless and overwhelmed, I am reverent. I wake up in gratitude. And now I have a little tear in my eye.

I am trusting in everything. As I write this now, there is a higher Amy who is consoling the silly  and doubtful Amy. I do that in my journaling a lot. I council myself like a little psycho. ha! 

Anyway, just so you know, I’m really not trying to be good here. This is stream of consciousness writing with no real product in mind. Please forgive me.

Until next time…sending lots of love to everyone I know and don’t know.